I Guess I am Still Not Over Him

You know that feeling when you want to grab the one you love but have broken up with and just hug it all off? Well, the quarantine is making me feel so. He was all that I had. After years of being told what to do and fighting for my own rights, I had finally found my oxygen in him.

I could hold on to him and be myself. I could be his strength when I wanted to and be a child to him all at the same time. He was to me what you could only imagine from those fairy tales, a knight in shining armour. He was everything that I was not and yet so freakishly me that I cannot even start to explain. But then every good thing has to end sometime, right? It did with us too. 

No amount of tears, pain, or justification could ever get us back together because he just didn’t feel that love anymore. Do you know what I am saying? And after a certain point of time, I gave up and I moved on. But did I ever stop loving him?

Cut to, that feeling when I saw him with other girls. It made me enraged and I stalked each one of them (you know who you are!). I kept thinking for days at an end if I have ever heard of them from him or are they just new additions to his life post our relationship? I shudder to think today what my reactions were when I imagined the latter, and I chose to think otherwise. 

You know this alarming rise in the heartbeat level when you see something that you do not want to? 

Well, that was me when I first came face to face with him post the breakup over the phone. For a moment there, everything was back again like it were when we were together. I guess both of us felt that there was nothing wrong and the months had never passed. 

But the moment I dragged a puff of my cigarette and got back to work, I died a little trying to stop the tears from rolling down my eyes. However, I realized my surroundings and knew I had to keep my shit together, anyhow. That’s what I did, you know?

I spent the night taking rapid puffs of my cigarette, dying for that one alone time with him where I could just ask what went wrong! That apart, I could not stop having my whiskey, even when I knew I was way past my limits. Days from that one moment passed by in a blur and it was just getting heavier by time. Nights? Oh, don’t get me started there. I could not concentrate and would go back to his thoughts, time and again. 

You know the feeling when you feel a piece of your heart, breaking, physically? Well, that happened with me and I knew I was not in good shape. But I also knew I had to somehow hold myself back and keep moving on if I really loved him cause that is where his happiness lay. I couldn’t have had months of progress down the drain. Could you have done so, had you been there in my place?

So, I immersed myself in work, nights at end, and channelled my hurt into passion. So, one fine day I woke up and did the needful. I pulled my hair back and put on the darkest red that I had. 

It has been a long time since and yet, whenever I get past anything even remotely related to him, I take a single moment and savour it. I still find myself checking out our pictures together while our song is still running in the background and I smile. But I don't have it in me to just run back to him and hug him and kiss him. You know why?

That was the first and last thing he asked of me.

The heart doesn't yearn anymore...

A Woman’s Guide to Being Judged for Loving Two People at the Same Time

Love is tough. Loving two people at the same time? Tougher! But here I am, penning my heart out to all those people who are in love with two people who can never be theirs but fail to identify the same. Let me know if you can relate, okay?

I have heard this from several people and been judged for the same, for the past n number of years that I have been loving two men at the same time. It took a lot from me to get myself to type this out but I guess the quarantine and weekend away from work-from-home played a huge part in this. 

I would like to first ask you – have you ever loved two people at the same time? My answer would be yes. Irrespective of the fact that I know they would never be mine, I love the camaraderie I share with both of them but somehow have always been unable to make people closest to me understand the same. Why does this happen that in Indian society, loving two people is still a taboo?

I am, to be honest; tired of explaining to my friends how I feel about both of them and so, do not tell anyone at all these days. This fear of being judged has turned me into a closet introvert who doesn’t share her feelings with the world, whereas to the very same world, I am the most extrovert person they have ever met. So, today I finally gathered enough courage to let you, if there is anyone suffering from the same problem, know what I have been going through. If you are someone still reading this, I know where you are in life right now, and I’m always there to listen to you.

Let me get this straight, it is not that I have not been in a relationship since the time I have fallen for those men, I have, and trust me, they were the best in their sweet way and I have loved them with all my heart as well. But I guess the intensity that I felt for those two special people was not present there and that is why, even after spending endless nights after breaking up, crying or begging for them to return, I could still move on. I know you would too.

Coming to my daily life, I am not a relationship person. It takes a lot for me to fall in love with someone and it is not the fluttering of butterflies then. For me, love is like a habit. Loving both these men from a distance almost feels like me taking control of my life. It gives me a freedom and a power that I didn’t know I possessed, making me feel stronger by the day. 

Do you know what the most interesting part is? They both are happy in their lives with the women they love but yet are not oblivious to my love. That is why maybe I love them with every ounce of energy I own. They understand my position and respect my love, just the way I respect their decision, and do not want to come in between their love lives.

Love, as most people I know say, is one of the most beautiful things ever. But, have you ever felt yourself getting lost in time, listening to someone’s voice on the phone and knowing everything they are going to say next? Or, reading every single word of what they have written and understood what their mental state is, without even speaking for months? If you have, you would know where I am coming from. 

In every guy I meet, I try to find some or the other trait that is there in either one of them, to be a little closer to them, even in a metaphorical way. At times, in a fit of rage, I even try to dismiss all those eligible men who have the exact features, to not fall in the same trap again. It is like this never-ending dilemma where I feel committed to both of them in this invisible thread which I would never be able to explain. There is this tightness that makes me cry for nothing, and yet not shed a drop of tear even when the biggest things happen. 

I have had people coming up to me, trying to explain their versions of loving two people at the same time. Some define the feelings as a crush, some call these a rebound, and some even call me insane and illogical. 

This is for all those people out there – I am not insane! This is for all those guys who ask me to let these two men go from my lives because they are not “interested” in me. Sorry, man! When I did, I never fell for them for falling out of it one day because some random guy said so. Yes, loving two people at the same time is exhausting, and if I am not encouraging you when you are whining about your silly relationship woes, for a second please place yourself in my shoes.

I am sure like me many of you are facing a similar situation, but trust me, girl, you need to love yourself and be confident that no-one would be able to take this strength or love away from you. It is yours and solely yours. Always know that you are not alone and love is the purest form of everything there is!

My advice? Do not over-think the situation and let it freely flow. But above all, accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with loving one or maybe more people at the same time if you are sure of your feelings. I may not be a relationship counsellor, but what I would ask you to do is hold on to your tiara and explore the happiness that love brings to you.